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raw buckwheat porridge

This is one of those recipes that certainly can't be considered gourmet, but for me at least is a new staple in my kitchen. I have seen these on many, many raw food blogs so it isn't a new concept by any means. However, something about the idea of blended sprouted buckwheat always seemed just...gross to me. Being very, very pregnant and dying for a change up in my breakfast routine, I decided to give it a go. And lo and behold....I love it!

Raw Buckwheat Porridge

Here, I used thawed and frozen mixed berries. Since then, I have also used sliced bananas and sliced peaches, which was also delicious, but something about the liquidy juiciness from thawed frozen fruit makes it just that extra degree more awesome.

Super duper easy- here is the recipe:

Raw Buckwheat Porridge

1 cup sprouted buckwheat
2 tbsp. lucuma powder
1 tbsp. tahini
6 drops vanilla stevia (or 1 tbsp. other sweetener)
1/4 cup almond milk or water

Place everything in a food processor and process until smooth. Top with thawed frozen berries and bee pollen or whatever else tickles your fancy.

More at:

x-posted to a few raw food comms


34 weeks!

34 weeks pregnant!

Out of the abyss

Wow, such a long time since I have updated here. I have been busy, that is for sure. Finishing up the school year, finishing up my yoga teacher training, giving my first raw food workshop this past weekend and also just BEING pregnant has been exhausting, but also so rewarding. Thankfully, I am eating better again which means that I have been keeping up more with my raw foods blog (still a wee little baby blog!)

Seriously, I have accomplished so, so much in the past year that it seems unbelievable sometimes. This last weekend especially with my raw foods workshop really made it hit home how brave I can be when I put my mind to it. I never, ever thought that I would be teaching people about nutrition, while 8 1/2 months pregnant no less, in Spanish! That is just crazy talk but it make me truly see that if I can pull that off, then I can pull anything off!
Sometimes I feel so sorry for this baby I am carrying, for having a mother who is so fucked up and unhappy in life. I feel like whatever happens, whatever I do to try and make things better in my life it just doesn't work out. I may have moments or glimpses of a life that could be or the person that i could be or the happiness that could be and then it is gone, as though it never were and the hopelessness returns. I feel like I am destined to be a cliche. Either because at the age of 40 or 45 I leave my family to go "find myself" or what the fuck ever or because living is simply too much and I decide to stop doing it.

That isn't what I want but for fucks sake I have hit rock bottom what seems like hundreds of times and I just stay there. It's just so hard and i am so tired. I think about the future, and I just see black and nothingness.


Things have been going relatively smoothly recently- I feel better physically, am able to do yoga regularly, am meeting up with a group of women from my yoga teacher training to study for the exam, i've finally got a midwife sorted and i have my first actual appointment with her in a few weeks time, I am eating really well most of the time, etc.

But on the other hand, I am overwhelmed by all sorts of things, none of which have an immediate solution and all of which are big. For example:

1. Both my and my husband´s national identity cards have expired. I can't get mine renewed until he has his new one and the first appointment he can get is in May. Which means my appointment won't be until August, the month I am due to give birth. I will not be making an epic journey into the city with a newborn baby to do that, nor will I do it knowing that I may be going into labor at any time. That means, however, that for the moment I am currently illegal (once again) and if I do end up having to transfer to the hospital during the birth process I will sort of be fucked. Also, due to illegal status, we can't actually leave the country at all until it is sorted, which will probably be mid-October at the soonest. We really wanted to be able to visit his parents, see his sisters newish baby for the first time, and just be there for the last time before we ourselves are parents.

2. Husband had planned on getting his drivers licence (finally!) and buying a piece of crap car so that this summer I can go to the mountains more easily and actually be able to go swim in the river and collect spring water. That is honestly all I want a car for. Also, so that once the baby is born, things might be a little easier and accessible for us. Due to above situation, that isn't going to happen.

3. Once again,the crippling loneliness. I'm not even going to expound on that one. It just is.

4. Due to this loneliness, and lack of transport options, I feel just so fucking trapped. I really want to get the fuck out of here and move somewhere else. But where? I'm not moving back to England. As much as I do really love it there, the truth is that I know even less people that I do here and subsequently would be even more isolated than I am here. We would have to stay with Dan't parents at least at first and I can't see how that would be a good situation for us as a brand new family to be confined in Dan's tiny childhood bedroom, having to go downstairs to use the toilet because the only other one upstairs is in the sisters room and although she doesn't live there we still cant use it because it is *hers*. Not a good dynamic.

Other option is moving back to the States, which I want to do with all of my heart. But I am so scared. I know that Louisiana, as much as I love it and as many people as are there that care about me, is not healthy for me. And if not there, then where? Another state where I don't know anyone either, starting over yet again? And from the shit I have been seeing/reading/hearing recently, America seems to be going fucking crazy and turning into a police state. Which may or may not be the case in reality, but especially for Dan, that is a concern. Also, he doesn't have a green card. So we have to do the whole rigamarole of applying and paying and waiting indefinitely.

I just want things to be easier for once. I just wish I knew what to do.
I made way too much raw cake the other night because I was experimenting and don't have anyone to eat it. :P


I had my yoga teacher training this weekend. It was really informative, as usual, but nothing really out of the ordinary happened. We were going sort of slow today because the topic was a lot of history and sort of dense. At the last minute, Prem (my teacher) decided that we were going to do a kriya, albeit a short one so the one we did was one to transform sexual energy into creative energy. The whole series can't have been more than 20 minutes as it was a lot of leg work and one short meditation. And then we had a relaxation. A short one. 3 minutes. But during that time, my grandmother came. And she told me that she would be there with me when I give birth. And I cried. And one of the other women came and hugged me and cried with me when I told her what happened.

I have never had experiences like this in my life. But I am happy that it happened although even now I can feel myself making excuses for what happened. Oh, it is just crazy pregnancy hormones, or that I was simply thinking about here and visualized here speaking to me. But I know that it wasn't that from this sensation that I had in my heart when it was happening. I FELT her.

22 January 2012

I've been trying to keep a food log for the past few days to really see what I have been eating and hopefully be able to make sure I am getting all the nutrients I need. It's really crazy how being pregnant has changed my perspective on a few things. One, I simply can't look at food from a weight-loss perspective. Having said that, I know that I am currently already overweight and I don't wanto to gain crap tons. Two, while I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that having a 100% vegan pregnancy is not only possible, but has been proven to work, I feel like at this time I don't have the resources to do that properly and I really don't want to fuck around with inflexible dogma right now. So, I have made the decision to eat organic free range eggs once a week and to have a bit of goat kefir or goat yogurt once or twice a week. Funny enough, I made this decision after reading a raw food book "Evie's Kitchen: Raising and Ecstatic Child" by Shazzie. She talks about the importance of lesser known vitamins like K2 and choline. I think that my prenatal gives me a bit of K2 because it has natto extract, but it isn't listed on the box so I can't be sure. Also, choline is found in lecithin but the only lecithin that I have access to right now states specifically that it is from a GMO source. Maybe as I continue researching and learning about these issues I can go back to being 100% vegan but at this moment, I have to make decisions that are bigger than me and I truly do not fucking know what else to do.

This is what I have been eating:

20 Jan 2012

-breakfast porridge with cooked oats, banana, peanut butter, honey and cinnamon
one big ass juicy orange
-midmorning snack of 1.5 Raw Health brand raw pitta bread (basically just a not so yummy thick raw cracker) topped with a guacamole made from avocado, lemon juice, garlic, salt and chopped cherry tomatoes
-lunch of big salad made by hubby with lettuce, beets, cucumbers, apples and celery mixed with a mustard dill dressing
-bit of a Raw Health brand cherry chocolate bar (also underwhelming, but sort of awesome that I prefer my own creations!)
-a few unsulphured dried apricots
-some raw brownie crumbles and chopped strawberries
-two tiny carrots and a little hazelnut basil pate
-stevia lemonade
-cooked dinner of sauteed onions, brussel sprouts with rice pasta and walnut pate thinned out with packaged almond milk

-Supplements: today I had 3 Vitamin Code Prenatal vitamins, one DHA cap and a spray of sublingual vitamin D

21 Jan 2012

-porrige with strawberries and carob powder
-2 organic eggs (which I immediately threw up)
-raw brownie and a few sips of green tea
-fresh pineapple
-salad and a bit of white bean soup from Ecocentre buffet
-small tub of chocolate Booja Booja raw ice cream
-dried apple pieces
-stevia lemonade
-dinner of organic corn/mushroom pasta with broccoli, green peppers, sundried tomatoes, carrots and basil tofu

Supplements: 3 Vitamin Code raw prenatal vitamins

I ate less on Saturday than I did on Friday. Friday I felt good and was ravenous. I'm not worried about it because I have spend the last month barely able to keep down more than rice crackers with peanut butter and apples.


Okay, Livejournal, so I am pregnant. It is sort of overwhelming and crazy and great and scary and blessed all at the same time. But now I have the luxury of feeling those feelings. This is the second day in over a month that I haven't spent all day, every day, on the verge of throwing up, or actually throwing up, too tired to get out of bed and just dry heaving. I've been just...exhausted. My house is a fucking disaster. I haven't washed dishes in weeks, haven't swept the floor, put away the groceries that have been delivered. I haven't walked the dogs or cooked a meal or even really cleaned up the last vestiges of vomit on the bathroom floor. It has been so, so, so frustrating to literally not be able to function even on the most basic of levels. My hubby has been great. He has walked the dogs every day, cooked every meal, worked like a fucking donkey to make up for the classes that I am unable to give but he can't do everything. He doesn't have time to clean, or the energy either. So I am hoping and praying that this feeling okay lasts. I am sitting here drinking a green smoothie, the first one I have made or had in months and god it feels great.

My diet has been pretty bad, simply because I haven't been able to make anything and haven't felt like eating a whole lot. I've been taking a raw prenatal vitamin, DHA supplements, liquid B-12 when I can stomach it and adding green powders to orange juice one in a while as well. I am determined to eat high raw this pregnancy because I truly feel that is the best thing I can do, but I have to have energy to make my food.

I think I found a doula, I am going to meet with her hopefully next Thursday and see how it goes from there. I would like to have a home birth, and hopefully a doula can help me navigate how in the hell that happens here in Spain. I've already had one appointment with an obstetrician and I know that that isn't the route I want to go if I can avoid here. In Spain, the birth industry is extremely medicalized and way more penis centered than what I imagine the US to be like. But I guess it is bad in all western countries.

People here act like I am crazy when I say things like that I would like to try to avoid an episiotomy. It's like they never even considered that it was even an option to NOT have one. Or they think I am positively reckless because I don't want to have an ultrasound every three weeks like my OB does routinely.

I just need some help and support and I hope this doula works out or its back to searching.

I hope to update more often now that I am (fingers crossed)feeling better!

my day

My yoga class went fine. Or great, I don't really know. Anyone who knows me or has read my LJ for any length of time is probably aware of the fact that I have some serious self-esteem issues coupled with social anxieties and awkwardness that make shit really hard to deal with. Well, today, I had this fucking tidal wave of positive reinforcement and response and I just really don't know how to deal with it. After I gave my class, everyone gave feedback and it was great. Of course I made mistakes but everyone had such beautiful things to say about me. I was so nervous and had to improvise the crap out of things. Presence, beautiful tone of voice, helpful, etc. Spanish! In fucking Spanish!

I made some raw persimmon granola to take to the breakfast and just like the raw tangerine cake truffles coated in chocolate I made yesterday I got genuine interest, praise, request for recipes and every single freaking person has asked me to give a workshop.

I just feel now going over nice things the women said about me that they were all of course lying, just to be polite on both counts- my yoga teaching abilities and my raw food skills AND that at some point it will of course be brought to my attention just how shit I really am. How stupid I am, how unclean I am, how ugly I am, how horrible my Spanish is, just what a fucking gross and despicable creature I am. Not even human. It really pains me to look at the shit I just wrote about myself. I guess really, that is why I am doing the teacher training anyway. To recognize these thoughts for what they are and to let them go now.

I am beautiful. I am bountiful. I am blissful.

yoga teacher

I think I have mentioned here before that I am doing the teacher training program for Kundalini Yoga. Well, it's great and I love it. I love the things I am learning, the other women on the course, the changes however small they may be in myself. I love it. I have even gotten up twice this week super early to go to sadhana at 6:45 and do yoga, meditate and sing mantras for two hours in the morning. Unthinkable happenings.

Well, my teacher asked me to give the sadhana at teacher training this weekend. It will be the first yoga class I have ever taught and I am freaking out pretty hardcore. I thought I was fine and nonplussed about the whole thing but now that it is getting dark and I am giving the class first thing tomorrow morning, it just seems so imminent. A friend came over to do a practice run, and he told me I was great but OMG so many things! How do I work the stopwatch, what music do I put on, what if I forget the Spanish word for something, what if I start stuttering, what if I fart, so many many things!

Today is 11-11-11 and so we are now firmly planted in the Aquarian Age. I mean, who the fuck knows what is going to happen in the future, but I am all for celebrating a new paradigm for life on this gorgeous planet of ours. I am trusting that everything is unfolding as it should and giving thanks for all that I have. I might even dance a little under the moonlight this evening!